F A T

 "Never call a girl fat

..Even if you're joking"

I have always been self-conscious about my weight. I tried any fad diet I could get my hands on, diet pills, exercises, self-starvation... you name it- I've tried it or at least thought about trying it. I've hated myself for a horrid number on the scale for years...

 Guys in high school used to comment about my weight; so, I'd hide in hoodies, or baggy t shirts (but, the sleeves couldn't be too short because God forbid I showed my fat arms). I would see other girls and instantly think "I wish I had her body". I don't even wear swim suits, still to this day, in fear of looking "too fat" and someone pointing it out.

My weight became an obsession, and still is. Gaining a pound, or having someone say something sends me over the edge and I can't shake it. I stare at myself in disgust, I weigh myself a LOT, I don't eat as much, and begin to try to work my ass off. However, last time I went overboard. I began starving myself, walking, doing 5000 stair steppers a day, and doing squats... Granted, I got to a weight I was some-what happy with for the first time in my life.

I got so many good reactions, and I was THRILLED. Only problem was, I tried to start eating normally again and found that my body would attack the food when it finally got it. I would literally be curled up in the fetal position in the shower because I was in so much pain. It wasn't worth it. Somehow, I pulled myself out of that and still managed to (kinda) like my new body in a healthier form.

Then once I got pregnant, I was excited to be having a baby but, absolutely TERRIFIED about gaining weight. As my pregnancy moved along, I was so proud of myself. I had made it to 28 weeks, and only gained EIGHT pounds. Unfortunately, that's when I got sick. I ended up developing severe pre eclampsia and my body retained about forty pounds of fluid... I had BALLOONED. I was a little devastated but more concerned about my baby's safety.

After a couple of weeks, I had lost 33 pounds, which I was thrilled about. However, that was all I lost. From there I noticed I was starting to gain a little again. Up went my self-consciousness... I started hiding in clothes again.

Today maximized those old thoughts and feelings for the first time in a year... All because I was once again told that I am F A T.