I Met an Angel

"Oh.... I believe there are angels among us

Sent down to us from somewhere up above

They come to you and me in our darkest hours

To show us how to live, to teach us how to give

To guide us with the light of love"

Believe it, or not, I have met an angel. 

I'm in NO way really religious, or even remotely religious. However, I, without a doubt, believe in angels. I'm not talking about a "figure" with wings nor a "spirit" that no one else can see. When I say angel, I mean a completely selfless, genuine, giving, good-spirited person; not someone who does good for recognition or to make themselves feel better. Someone who see good in everything, and everyone. 

With that being said, I've met an angel. I was blessed enough to have her in my life for sixteen years, two months, and one day- time that will NEVER be long enough. 

This woman that I'm speaking of was more kind-hearted, loving, and forgiving than ANYONE else that I have met in my twenty-one years of life. She never spoke ill of anyone, even though she may have had every reason to. She showed more inner strength than I knew possible. Not maybe people can be dealt the cards that she was, and rise above being a better, NOT bitter, person. She saw past the wrong in anyone, and saw the good- the important. This is the woman who taught me about love and forgiveness. 

I saw her struggle physically and mentally, but never without a smile on her face. She had an unwavering faith, even through her hardest of trials. She gave the purest of he2/r self, and the purest love to her family that I've ever witnessed. I'm not saying she was a saint, but I'd say, if one could be a saint in this world- she'd be the closest person to it. She taught me strength. 

"She" was Lois Irene Hilghman; my bestfriend, my role model, my hero, and, most importantly, my MIMI. Mimi impacted my life in ways that no one, other than my daughter, could EVER measure up to. She is the reason I did the best I could growing up; the reason I have a good head on my shoulder; the reason that I give up when life utterly sucked. Making her proud, and seeing her smile was enough to keep me going. She loved her family, and was extremely proud of us, all of us- mistakes included. She never once judged or said an ill word in my presence. She was a pure soul... an angel.

I say was because, almost four years ago, this month... I watched my best friend take her last breath. I still remember it like it was yesterday, my dad and uncle telling her that it was okay to let go and to "Let go and Let God". I cried, as I had been all weekend... Our eyes meet and I see her shed a single tear. I felt I HAD to be the one to let her know it was okay... that I would be okay. I bent down, kissed her forehead and as I stood back up, she took her last breath. Nightmares haunted me for weeks, and sometimes still do... I said "Goodbye" to my angel, and I wish I didn't have to. 

As selfish as it is, to have wanted her to stay, I was blessed enough to have her as long as I did; to have her instill the things in me that she carried within herself. She gave me memories and love that, as a child, I couldn't find elsewhere. Never once did I question her love for me, unlike many others that I doubt. She loved to the purest, that even I couldn't question it, and I question everything- so, that says something. 

I was blessed enough to meet, and love, an angel.

Rest Easy Mimi

2/19/25-1/17/11

I Love You Forever**

 

The Dark Places I've Been

"No matter how hard the past, 

You can ALWAYS begin again."

-Buddha 

From a pretty young age, I had learned to hate myself and everything about me. I exposed myself to horrible self ridicule, and allowed WAY too many people to succeed in bringing me down. I had felt I deserved nothing less than things or people whom only brought pain. I forgave too often, and too easily, but never have I forgotten. I allowed people to walk over me, to lie to me, to use me, and in some cases, even to abuse me- myself included.
Why expect others to respect and like me if I couldn't even do that for myself? I didn't seeing anything wrong with being degraded, because in my eyes, I felt they were just being honest. Truth hurts, right? There were times that I truly just wanted to end my life, or to just not wake up. I felt THAT alone.
At that point, I so badly wanted to be loved that I put up with just about anything and everything. I was called names, told how difficult I was, told how lucky I was to have someone to actually put up with me, told I wouldn't find anyone else, that I was a whore, that I was the reason they felt the need to lie and cheat. I felt I deserved that emotional, verbal, and physical abuse... because, that's what I was use too.
Then after that came the anxiety and panic attacks. I was terrified of everything! I was scared to lose what I thought was love because that was the love I had known most of my life. I began to truly believe everything I was being told. I LOATHED myself. I started to distance myself from family and friends, I lost my passion for things I once adored, and I became obsessed with keeping that "love" alive. I was convinced that the only thing I had going for me, was my relationship.
I lived and breathed keeping my relationship going, learning to hate myself more and more as time went on...I was an empty shell. I literally had NOTHING going for me. I had my whole life engulfed by one thing; which was one of the major things bringing me down.
I had reached a point where my panic attacks were out of control, and I wasn't eating. I began losing weight, and becoming obsessed with the results. There were days that I weighed myself at LEAST 10 times; I'd wake up- weigh myself, eat- weigh myself, use the bathroom- weigh myself, exercise- weigh myself. If I went up even a single pound, I'd beat myself up and wouldn't allow myself to eat anymore that day. Looking back, I assume this was my outlet and my punishment to myself.
 I finally confided in my doctor, and got put on the medication that I still take to this day. Slowly my anger, and anxiety started to get better. I didn't have such a short fuse and I started to see more clearly. Following not too far after this was the big break up, which granted I was shattered- completely broken hearted, I somehow knew it was for the best. I learned to pick up the pieces, and for the first time in my life, I started to see good qualities within MYSELF.
I had lost weight, I was eating right, I had a job, and I finally had no more CONSTANT worrying. I learned to smile, a real smile. That's when I realized what I needed out of my life. I didn't need someone else to "love me" I needed to love, respect, and accept myself. I could FINALLY be honest with myself, and realize I wasn't as bad as I had thought.
I still struggle with my self-worth and self-image from time-to-time but, I can proudly say I haven't been back to a place THAT dark in well over a year.

Why I blog

"Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and

tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter."

-Neil Gaiman, English author of graphic novels and science

fiction

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit 

down at a typewriter and open a vein."

-Walter "Red" Smith, American Sportswriter

Writing has been a crucial outlet for me since a rather young age. It has allowed me to be open, honest, and let everything out, without ridicule. It has allowed me to escape my reality; to escape the yelling & the drunken threats.The ability to open that vein and just write, honestly saved my life more than once. I was able to be me, and vent without anyone telling me I was wrong, or seeking attention. Those blank pages accepted my anger, hostility and allowed me to free my mind of that, even if just for awhile. No matter if it were just a sentence or a couple of pages, it ALWAYS helped.

Sadly, a few years ago, I let someone take over my life and make me lose my passion for everything, unfortunately, writing included. I abandoned my writing, and soon my life had spiraled out of control from a mental stand point. I had hit my breaking point. With not being able to express myself freely in the only way I knew, I had been overtaken by depression, anxiety, and just plain hatred. Honestly, and not for the first time, I had wanted to die. I couldn't handle not having some sort of outlet.

Luckily, with the help of medication, Brett, and my daughter, I have found my passion again; a passion for many things at that. With that being said, I have also recently made a vow to myself to keep writing, no matter how silly it may seem to find relief in a pen and a sheet of paper. 

With love,

Rachel Nicole <3

Peanut to Sweet Girl

"Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up"

-Taylor Swift

It's hard to believe my four pound, six ounce, peanut is now my 12 pound, 3 ounce, sweet girl.

 In the last three months, I've learned so much more than I ever imagined possible. One thing being that time goes way TOO fast. In almost a blink of an eye, or so it feels, Marleigh has grown and changed so much already. It's honestly a bittersweet feeling. I love knowing that she is excelling from her premature birth but, I hate thinking how soon the "baby days" will be over. 

 I vow to cherish every second with my daughter in THAT moment. I don't want to look back and regret not appreciating the moments of each milestone. She makes my life, and I want to help make hers. I have always wanted one thing out of life, to make a positive impact on at least one person's life. I want her to be that person. I want her to look back fondly on childhood memories. I know she will grow up, quickly. I just wish I could keep her little.  I won't be able to protect her from EVERYTHING forever, and that truly scares me. There will come a day that she doesn't NEED me, or even WANT me. However,  I do hope when she is grown,  she looks back and knows just how much she is loved. She my miracle, my lifechanger, my hero, and I can only hope that I get to be the same for her. ♡

 

My Saving Grace

 I stumbled across some old journals, from elementary school up to about two years ago. Until this point, I never quite realized just how much of an angry person I was. Granted, with the childhood I had, who could blame me? It's scary that I had no idea how out of control my emotions were until looking back on it. I'm not proud of who I was but, with the help of my daughter, I'm learning to be proud of who I have become.
I still have days where I feel like I'm nothing, and that my life is going no where.. Just to have a wonderful miracle remind me I've done at least ONE thing right. I made my own miracle; my saving grace. I would hate to imagine where my life would be without her. She has made me a better person; a more caring and giving person. For the first time in my life, I have a reason to look forward to tomorrow. I have someone that would miss me if I were gone. That's a feeling that amounts to no other.