F A T

 "Never call a girl fat

..Even if you're joking"

I have always been self-conscious about my weight. I tried any fad diet I could get my hands on, diet pills, exercises, self-starvation... you name it- I've tried it or at least thought about trying it. I've hated myself for a horrid number on the scale for years...

 Guys in high school used to comment about my weight; so, I'd hide in hoodies, or baggy t shirts (but, the sleeves couldn't be too short because God forbid I showed my fat arms). I would see other girls and instantly think "I wish I had her body". I don't even wear swim suits, still to this day, in fear of looking "too fat" and someone pointing it out.

My weight became an obsession, and still is. Gaining a pound, or having someone say something sends me over the edge and I can't shake it. I stare at myself in disgust, I weigh myself a LOT, I don't eat as much, and begin to try to work my ass off. However, last time I went overboard. I began starving myself, walking, doing 5000 stair steppers a day, and doing squats... Granted, I got to a weight I was some-what happy with for the first time in my life.

I got so many good reactions, and I was THRILLED. Only problem was, I tried to start eating normally again and found that my body would attack the food when it finally got it. I would literally be curled up in the fetal position in the shower because I was in so much pain. It wasn't worth it. Somehow, I pulled myself out of that and still managed to (kinda) like my new body in a healthier form.

Then once I got pregnant, I was excited to be having a baby but, absolutely TERRIFIED about gaining weight. As my pregnancy moved along, I was so proud of myself. I had made it to 28 weeks, and only gained EIGHT pounds. Unfortunately, that's when I got sick. I ended up developing severe pre eclampsia and my body retained about forty pounds of fluid... I had BALLOONED. I was a little devastated but more concerned about my baby's safety.

After a couple of weeks, I had lost 33 pounds, which I was thrilled about. However, that was all I lost. From there I noticed I was starting to gain a little again. Up went my self-consciousness... I started hiding in clothes again.

Today maximized those old thoughts and feelings for the first time in a year... All because I was once again told that I am F A T.

Why I blog

"Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and

tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter."

-Neil Gaiman, English author of graphic novels and science

fiction

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit 

down at a typewriter and open a vein."

-Walter "Red" Smith, American Sportswriter

Writing has been a crucial outlet for me since a rather young age. It has allowed me to be open, honest, and let everything out, without ridicule. It has allowed me to escape my reality; to escape the yelling & the drunken threats.The ability to open that vein and just write, honestly saved my life more than once. I was able to be me, and vent without anyone telling me I was wrong, or seeking attention. Those blank pages accepted my anger, hostility and allowed me to free my mind of that, even if just for awhile. No matter if it were just a sentence or a couple of pages, it ALWAYS helped.

Sadly, a few years ago, I let someone take over my life and make me lose my passion for everything, unfortunately, writing included. I abandoned my writing, and soon my life had spiraled out of control from a mental stand point. I had hit my breaking point. With not being able to express myself freely in the only way I knew, I had been overtaken by depression, anxiety, and just plain hatred. Honestly, and not for the first time, I had wanted to die. I couldn't handle not having some sort of outlet.

Luckily, with the help of medication, Brett, and my daughter, I have found my passion again; a passion for many things at that. With that being said, I have also recently made a vow to myself to keep writing, no matter how silly it may seem to find relief in a pen and a sheet of paper. 

With love,

Rachel Nicole <3

Peanut to Sweet Girl

"Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up"

-Taylor Swift

It's hard to believe my four pound, six ounce, peanut is now my 12 pound, 3 ounce, sweet girl.

 In the last three months, I've learned so much more than I ever imagined possible. One thing being that time goes way TOO fast. In almost a blink of an eye, or so it feels, Marleigh has grown and changed so much already. It's honestly a bittersweet feeling. I love knowing that she is excelling from her premature birth but, I hate thinking how soon the "baby days" will be over. 

 I vow to cherish every second with my daughter in THAT moment. I don't want to look back and regret not appreciating the moments of each milestone. She makes my life, and I want to help make hers. I have always wanted one thing out of life, to make a positive impact on at least one person's life. I want her to be that person. I want her to look back fondly on childhood memories. I know she will grow up, quickly. I just wish I could keep her little.  I won't be able to protect her from EVERYTHING forever, and that truly scares me. There will come a day that she doesn't NEED me, or even WANT me. However,  I do hope when she is grown,  she looks back and knows just how much she is loved. She my miracle, my lifechanger, my hero, and I can only hope that I get to be the same for her. ♡

 

My Saving Grace

 I stumbled across some old journals, from elementary school up to about two years ago. Until this point, I never quite realized just how much of an angry person I was. Granted, with the childhood I had, who could blame me? It's scary that I had no idea how out of control my emotions were until looking back on it. I'm not proud of who I was but, with the help of my daughter, I'm learning to be proud of who I have become.
I still have days where I feel like I'm nothing, and that my life is going no where.. Just to have a wonderful miracle remind me I've done at least ONE thing right. I made my own miracle; my saving grace. I would hate to imagine where my life would be without her. She has made me a better person; a more caring and giving person. For the first time in my life, I have a reason to look forward to tomorrow. I have someone that would miss me if I were gone. That's a feeling that amounts to no other.